dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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