I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
