I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
