they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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