He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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