I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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