You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
