yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
