Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
