you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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