I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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