im about as happy as oj after his trial
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
