Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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