I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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