I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
