One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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