Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
