Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
