girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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