What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
