Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
