I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
