It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
