Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
