just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
