Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
