This dress was meant to end up on your floor
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
