So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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