I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am one with the molecules
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
