I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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