Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
