it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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