You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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