Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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