Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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