Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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