This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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