You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
