He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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