We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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