So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
