She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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