Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
