I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
