What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
