come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
