Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
