i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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