Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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