just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you didnt know i had herpes?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
